hello, i'm neurotic.

and then we broke up.

and i don’t know where to start. i know that nobody is reading. i moan. a lot. and the place that i’m at now makes me realise that half the bullshit i’ve complained about in the past was completely childish and irrelevant. so here i am, nearly 11 weeks pregnant wondering how the hell i got myself into this situation. since i got that confirmation on that stupid test my life has gone from bad to worse. at first it was the shock that made me sick, but now its the hormones. i’ve been completely drained for the past two months, sick nearly every day and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. and as i’m being totally honest i think it was the absolute fear of going through another termination that led me to believe i had to keep this baby, the theory that my life would eventually take this path anyway and i could not face knowing i’d thrown away another chance. then, i guess i found a support network of friends and family that encouraged me and believed in me enough to make me think i could actually do this. and matt, obviously, wanting me to keep it had an overwhelming effect on my decision. so i took a big breath, and said “i can do this” all the time kidding him, my mum, and most importantly myself. and here i am now. my second panic attack in as many days, the overwhelming urge to do something stupid, yet all i can bring myself to do is smoke. don’t get me wrong, i want to be that person, i want the picture in my head to become a reality, i want the house, the kids, a family, a normal, easy life. but i’m depressed, alone, and barely existing. honestly, its just all too much, i don’t even know if i love matt any more. it takes a lot to write that and its a scary awful thought that i could end up in this situation even more alone than i am already, but i wouldn’t stay with someone just for the child. hey, maybe its just the hormones but most days i can’t stand him, i feel like he’s letting me down, he’s not even trying to understand what i’m going through and he’s supportive for say, 50% of the time. and i need so much more, so we row, hes goes silent and if i don’t speak to him it just goes on for days. i just want to scream and scream at him that this is all his fault, even though i know that isn’t strictly true. he’s so oblivious to the fact that i’m so alone, and all he (seems to) care about is when he can go out, see his friends, or see his cat. i could go on and on and on about all the reasons he pisses me off but there really is no point listing them all, i have to accept that hey, i fucked up, i’m now carrying his child, and seriously think about whether its worth putting up with someone so blatently useless for the rest of my life. harsh, yes but i’m really angry. work; another example of everyone currently in my life being completely unsupportive. they tell me not to come in if i’m sick, then guilt trip me that the figures are awful. YOU TOLD ME NOT TO COME IN. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the trafford centre so much, every time i arrive i have that horrible anxious feeling, coupled with my ALL DAY sickness, which really puts me in a great mood to sell. and finally, my complete lack of social existance, honestly, i don’t believe i’ve seen anyone since my birthday, and i’m not going to rant about my friends because, hell, its not their fault i can’t leave the flat now i spent my days with my head down the toilet but its just completely unfair that everyone is so busy, like this whole post for example, here i am writing this down because THIS is too much for anyone to deal with, this isn’t a text message size problem, i need some quality time with the people that i love to help me get through this, maybe i don’t want to ask them, maybe i’m fully aware people are sick of hearing how depressed i am, either way i am sobbing because i have nobody to turn to. i am trapped. in manchester, housebound with sickness, questioning how the fuck i messed up so bad, fully aware i just have to stick this out, because nobody is coming to save me.

my life is literally falling apart.

i’ve been here before.
and the problem is that my life doesn’t seem to progress in the way other peoples do. i go round and round in cirles and the people, circumstances and scenery change but i never do. and that means that i make the same mistakes, work the same jobs, and the cycle just repeats, repeats, repeats.
i find myself in the position to escape; to take a route i’ve never been down before.
but its so incredibly scary and i’d much rather repeat, because at least that way i know what i’m facing, its safer, i know how it will play out.

i have that sinking feeling that my whole world is tumbling down around me.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

is everything i expected it to be.
and more.
and a lot less.